Three Keys to Personal Happiness
Kenneth R. Mullican, Jr.
What are some of the things that make you happy? I mean truly happy. While different things make different people happy—different strokes for different folks—I believe there are some keys that can enable us to experience personal happiness.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son
Jesus addressed the issues that relate to personal happiness in a most powerful manner in his poignant parable of the Prodigal Son as recorded in Luke 15:11-32. There are beautiful lessons as expressed in the unconditional love of the father and the reconciliation of the father with his repentant younger son. It is easy to see the analogy between God’s unconditional love and his acceptance of the repentant sinner.
But what about the older son? Have you ever either secretly or openly felt some degree of sympathy for him? I’ll admit that I certainly have. On the surface, it appears that he has every reason to be disgruntled. His rotten little brother talked their father into giving him his inheritance early and then split for exotic places with one-third of the family fortune. Besides that, dad is getting old and older brother has to oversee the work of the farm by himself—not that younger brother was that much help when he was at home anyway. Older brother is a good, solid, clean living, hard working man and where has it gotten him? When dad divided the inheritance he gave the older son the customary two-thirds---but dad is still alive and everyone still looks to him as the head of the household and the business. And does dad appreciate all of older brother’s hard work? He never tells him so. He just spends his days gazing off down the road—grieving for younger brother.
But now that Little Bud has run out of money and friends, having wasted his entire inheritance on life in the fast lane, he comes dragging home and what does dad do? He butchers the choice calf, and throws a big party to welcome the rotten kid home as if nothing had happened. He doesn’t even make him go through a period of testing to be sure his repentance is genuine. He is immediately reinstated. Dad never even killed a little goat and threw a party for older brother—and now he has killed the choice calf for his rotten, wayward, undeserving, younger brother. And Dad actually expects him to be happy about all this and to come in and pretend that little brother has just been away at college has come home with his magna cum laud? Not on your life!
“Dad always loved him more than me anyway,” thinks older brother. “If that’s the way he wants it, let him go in there and make a fool of himself with the kid. I’ve got better things to do—I don’t need either one of them. I suppose I could forgive, but I could never forget. It’s the principle of the thing. That rotten kid doesn’t deserve to be part of this family. He already has brought enough humiliation to this family. I wish he had died and never come back. Better that Dad should be grieving over him, than making a fool of himself by welcoming him back home and making a party as if nothing had happened. Forget it! Count me out!”
Does this scenario sound familiar? Perhaps many of us have found ourselves in a similar situation at home or at work or at church. To make a point, I’ve gotten a little over zealous in my speculation as to what finally transpired between the father and the older son in the parable. Jesus leaves the parable unfinished for a purpose. It was directed at his religious critics, and they alone could determine how the story would end for each of them. In like manner, each of us must determine the end of the story. Let us now attempt to quell our righteous indignation stirred up on behalf of the older brother and take a closer look at the situation from other perspectives.
This parable perhaps should be entitled “The Two Prodigal Sons,” because, in reality, both sons were estranged from their father. One was physically present, but emotionally he was likely as far from his father as younger brother who was physically absent. Something was lacking in older brother’s relationship with his father. Because older brother was turned inward, he seemingly was unaware of or uncaring about the depth of his father’s grief that resulted from younger brother’s actions. Older brother’s self-centeredness resulted in bitterness and hatred, rather than compassion for his wayward younger brother who had suffered such horrible degradation.
When younger brother asked his father to give him his portion of the inheritance early, he was, in fact, saying to his father, “I wish you were dead so I could have my portion of your money and goods, but since you won’t accommodate me by dying, give me my portion anyway.” This is shocking enough to us today, but it must have appeared culturally scandalous and unthinkable to Jesus’ audience. As we further study the parable, we discover that older brother and younger brother share more in common than is first apparent. There is the implication that older brother also wishes their father were dead, so that he could in practice have control of the family estate without his father’s interference. We also discover that older brother has a rather high opinion of himself: “Never once have I failed to carry out your orders…” In the final analysis, and perhaps most importantly, is older brother truly happy? Is it likely that in fact it has been many years since older brother has been truly happy? Well, if he’s not happy, it must be because he has been deprived of his happiness by his rotten younger brother and his doting father, right? Wrong! God has granted to older brother and to each of us the power to determine the path on which we will walk through life. We can choose the path of anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, hatred, disappointment, and regret—or we can choose to walk through life on the higher path that leads to true happiness and contentment as God intended.
Key # 1: Unconditional Love
The higher path is guarded by a door that is unlocked by three keys that God freely offers to each of us. The first key is Unconditional Love. I believe that a basic need to love and to be loved exists in every person although this need may be unrecognized or even denied by some. Why does it seem to be so important to love and to be loved? To begin to understand this need, we must begin with God who created us. 1 John 4:8 states that “God is love.” Genesis 1:26 tells us that God said, “Let us make humankind in our own image.” How are we created in God’s image? In one aspect, this refers to the capacity to give and receive love. It seems that God created us not only with the capacity to give and receive love, but also with the necessity to give and receive love. Apparently, it is essential to our sense of wholeness and well being to both give and receive love.
Foremost, we are created to receive God’s love and to reflect that love back to him. Love emanates from God who is the source of love. He is the essence of pure unconditional love. His love reaches out to us, touches us, draws us unto himself with the expectation that his love will flow through us back to him while producing the desired results in us.
By definition the love which God extends to us is without preconditions. You don’t have to earn it—and you can’t lose it. It is always there even when you are unaware of it. Just as the sun is always shining everyday even though clouds may obscure the sun from our view, God’s love is always reaching out to us, endeavoring to manifest itself in our life. That doesn’t mean we are not held accountable for our actions. But it does mean that God still loves us even when we act in an unlovely manner.
It is somewhat difficult for us finite humans to grasp an abstract quality such as the love of God. It is perhaps easier to grasp the concepts of righteousness and judgement or even mercy — but somehow the idea of a loving God seems too simplistic. The ultimate manifestation of God’s love is expressed in the incarnation of himself in the person of our Lord Jesus—Yeshua, our Messiah.
(For further discussion, see my paper on Unconditional Love)
Key #2: Harmonious Relationship
In Jesus’ parable of The Prodigal Son, one can easily discern that it is an allegory, with the father representing God, the younger son representing repentant sinners, and the older son representing Jesus’ religious critics. One should be careful not to carry the allegory to excess and attempt to assign some corresponding present day significance to every minute detail as was sometimes done in previous generations. Rather, one should view the parable in light of its major themes of unconditional love, relationship, and forgiveness.
Relationship equals vulnerability. When we interact with anyone in any type of relationship, we become vulnerable to a greater or lesser degree. The more intimate the relationship, the more vulnerable we become. The potential for great happiness and contentment is counterbalanced by the potential for great disappointment and heartache. When we are wounded by unkind words or actions, we tend to retreat a little further behind our protective facade. Each time we are wounded, we generally become less trusting and more skeptical of others. To a degree, this is merely part of our survival mechanism and is part of the wisdom one acquires through life’s experiences. Experience teaches us that it is generally not wise to become too vulnerable with casual acquaintances. But there is always the potential danger of imbalance—the danger that one may become so fearful of being wounded should any relationship develops past the superficial stage, that one is unable to experience meaningful relationships on a deep level with anyone.
We are probably most vulnerable to those members of our own family. It’s somewhat difficult to maintain a facade with those of your own household—not totally impossible—but difficult. In his Prodigal Son parable, Jesus does not explore the reasons for the two sons behaving as they did. Did the mother die when the children were young, and the father overcompensate by being too permissive? Were the sons excessively influenced by their peers? We can only wonder. Jesus’ purpose was not to assign blame, but rather to demonstrate the willingness of our Heavenly Father to reach out to estranged humanity—whether overt sinner or more respectable sinner of the heart. Probably, most of you reading this article would not fall into the category of overt sinner. It is likely, however, that many, if not all, of us can relate to a greater or lesser degree with the challenging attitudes of the older brother in the parable. It is upon the older brother’s relationships, both to his father and to his younger brother that we shall focus.
When we consider the character traits of older brother, desirable and undesirable, in light of Jesus’ teaching, we find older brother wasn’t all bad. In fact, he had a lot going for him—he just had a few serious hang-ups that prevented him from realizing his God-endowed potential of experiencing true personal happiness and of bringing happiness into the lives of others. In all probability, he maintained his protective facade so well that he was quite respected in the community—in contrast to his wild, rebellious, younger brother. All the while his own rebellion smoldered just beneath the surface—only to burst forth with a fury as a result of the welcome home party for his wayward younger brother.
Love is the foundation upon which meaningful relationship is built. God’s love for us is unconditional and this is the model we should endeavor to emulate. Realistically speaking, however, I’m not sure that I can express love unconditionally. I’m sorry, but it is just not my nature to love people who are mean or indifferent to me—or who promise one thing and then do something else. I like people who are nice to me—people who show integrity. I can feel a lot of sympathy for the older brother.
As followers of Jesus, however, we must view our feelings and responses in light of what our Lord taught and endeavor to conform our lives to his example. He taught that we are to respond in a kind and balanced manner to both the kind and the unkind, even as our Heavenly Father sends sunshine and rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If we are kind only to those who are kind to us, says Jesus, how are we different from the godless. Jesus also taught that we are truly his followers if we follow his commandments. And what did Jesus command? That we love one another as he has loved us. And how does he love us? Unconditionally! While this sounds quite admirable in theory, probably everyone here has found that it is another matter to love unconditionally in actual practice. Could older brother have acted any differently than he did? Was he merely a victim of his life circumstances, both genetic and environmental? Is there really any hope for older brother, and by extension, any hope for us? These are valid questions and a whole cacophony of voices stand ready with a variety of answers, mostly depressingly pessimistic.
God does not require the impossible. Contrary to the purveyors of pessimism, I can assure you that our loving heavenly father, who is constantly reaching out to us in unconditional love does not ask the impossible of us. Scripture teaches that anything God requires of us, he provides a means whereby we are enabled to conform to his requirement. While we imperfect humans may not be able to express unconditional love in our own power, we must remember, however, that we are not limited to what we are able to accomplish in our own power. It is of utmost importance to remember that God has entrusted humankind with free will. And we can use that free will to exercise our choice in allowing God to express his unconditional love through us. The really amazing thing is that as his pure, unconditional love flows through us out to another person, we can actually begin to feel love and compassion for that person. Perhaps that person has previously elicited nothing be strongly negative feelings in us, but when we ask God to help us to see that person as he sees them, and to feel for that person what God feels, we become eligible to experience a dramatically different relationship with that person. We become more keenly aware of our own weaknesses and of God’s mercy and love extended to us in spite of our own imperfections. We actually begin to see the other person as created in God’s image, though that image may be obscured and distorted beyond recognition, often by forces outside that person’s control.
The actions of every person have consequences for themselves and others. We may be tempted to blame God for our disappointments and tragedies in life, but we should never lose sight of the fact that we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world with a lot of other imperfect people. There are consequences, either good or bad, to every action, whether conscious or unconscious, made by ourselves and others—and those consequences function to shape our lives and the lives of those around us. A point I wish to emphasize in the strongest terms is that one’s spiritual relationship with God is not a valid excuse that one may use to justify one’s irresponsible behavior. To the contrary, because we have experienced God’s mercy and unconditional love, we should live by the highest of standards. As followers of Jesus, we should act with integrity in every area of our life. Far too often we observe believers who justify their failure to pay their debts by the fact that they are “involved in God’s work” or “preparing for full-time, professional religious service.” I’m not talking about those situations where sickness, accident, or job layoff has resulted in lack of funds. I am talking about a pattern of life. What kind of witness is that to unbelievers? More often than not, the one taken advantage of is another believer. What do these and similar patterns of behavior do to a relationship? Is stressful too mild a term? How are the perpetrator and the recipient to respond, both outwardly and inwardly?
Jesus’ teaching in the Prodigal Son parable is based on the given of the father’s unconditional love. The father assumes responsibility for having brought the two sons into existence and as far as we can determine, he loved them both equally. His love was based upon his capacity to give love, not upon his sons’ ability to earn or to receive his love. The father also had a need that went unmet by either son, at least for most of the story. The father had the capacity to love both his sons unconditionally, but in order for his unconditional love to produce happiness within himself, he needed to experience that love flowing back to him as expressions of love through his sons. A flashlight battery has the potential to light our path on the darkest of nights—but only if the circuit is complete does electrical current flow through the light bulb and produce the desired result. As long as the circuit is broken, we do not experience the light. As long as the relationship is broken, we do not experience the love. How God’s heart must ache because his love is not flowing through us, back to him—not only because it is not flowing through those who deny his existence and go their own way, but perhaps even more because it is not flowing through those of us claim to follow Jesus.
The Result of One’s Turning Inward. At some point, perhaps even at the dividing of the inheritance, older brother chose to turn inward. I suspect it had happened much earlier. In fact, I suspect he was more than a little mad at God, too. His choosing to turn inward resulted in broken relationship with his father and rendered him incapable of experiencing his father’s unconditional love. Because he chose to stop the flow of love from his father, he was incapable of experiencing love or compassion for either his father or his younger brother. His well was dry. He had nothing to give. Outwardly, he went through the motions of being a good son. He worked hard and he did what he was told—resenting it all the while. Inwardly, he was seething, until finally the inner turmoil broke forth in a rage. So broken was the relationship, that he could not even refer to his brother as “brother” but referred to him as “this son of yours.” How sad!
In the final analysis, when the story ends, is older brother happy? Perhaps he feels justified in his action, but is he happy? Did he bring happiness to his father or to his younger brother? Sadly, we must conclude no.
Our Response to Broken or Strained Relationship. Should we find ourselves in a situation involving a broken or strained relationship, what can we do? Restoration of the broken relationship should be our first priority. We must recognize, however, that we are responsible only for our own actions and reactions—the other person or persons involved are responsible for their own actions. We cannot dictate their response—they must choose the course they will take. On the other hand, we should never hesitate to be the first to reach out to the other party—even if the other person was the one who did the wounding. Chances are that the other person has real or perceived wounds as well. If restoration of relationship is our first priority, we will not allow “pride” or “principle” to hinder us from endeavoring to bring about restoration. Sometimes broken relationship is unavoidable because one party refuses to be reconciled. Sadly, all involved continue to suffer as a result, but I believe that generally the suffering of the one who endeavors, though unsuccessfully, to bring about reconciliation is small indeed in comparison to the suffering of the one who stubbornly refuses to be reconciled. We should also remember that Jesus taught that if we refuse to forgive others, our heavenly father will not forgive us. Who among us is arrogant enough to entertain the idea that he or she is able to stand before our Heavenly Father and not be in need of forgiveness
Our relationship with Jesus affects our relationship with others and vice versa. Jesus said: “I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who is intimately connected to me bears much fruit. For without me, you can do nothing (John 15:5). [My paraphrase] The picture Jesus chose for the analogy of the relationship of his followers to himself was that of the grapevine—a common site to his audiences of first century Palestine, as it is today in modern Israel. Just as it would be foolish to expect a branch severed from the vine to live very long, much less to produce fruit, Jesus warns that unless his followers continue in close relationship with him, their life will amount to nothing—as evidenced by their fruitlessness. The life of the vine is manifested through its branches and the fruit the branches produce. It is worth noting that the branches are connected to each other as well as to the vine and it is together that they form a fruit producing entity. It is essential that we who follow Jesus recognize that our relationship to our Lord is vitally linked with our relationship to each other.
While the analogy of the grapevine relates to Jesus and his followers, our sense of well being and happiness is affected to a greater or lesser degree by our relationship with all those with whom we come in contact. We cannot control how others respond to us, but we can choose how we will respond to the attitudes and actions of others. When we encounter situations to which our ability to respond seems inadequate, we can exercise our will in choosing to yield the situation to Jesus and invite him to respond to the situation through us. I may not be able to respond with unconditional love to someone who has offended me, but I can invite Jesus to respond to that person through me with unconditional love—and then I can feel his love flowing through me. By exercising this choice, I ultimately benefit as well as the other person.
Key # 3: Unconditional Forgiveness
While unconditional love forms the basis for solid, healthy relationships, unconditional forgiveness serves to maintain solid, healthy relationships. In fact, without forgiveness, relationships may deteriorate to the breaking point with the result that both parties needlessly suffer physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Unconditional love leads to unconditional forgiveness. In Jesus’ parable of the Prodigal Son, the father provides the model of God’s unconditional love coupled with unconditional forgiveness. Indeed, it was because of the father’s unconditional love that he could forgive unconditionally. Because the father loved both his sons unconditionally, he was grieved when his relationship with them was broken and he took the step of unconditional forgiveness that was necessary for the restoration of relationship. In fact, I suspect that he had already forgiven both the sons long before the fateful day of confrontation at the return of the younger son.
So, the father loved both his sons unconditionally and he had forgiven both of them for their attitudes and actions toward him—therefore he should have been happy, right? Why not? Because love was not flowing in both directions—the circuit was not complete. As mentioned earlier, just as a flashlight contains in its battery the potential for lighting our path but produces no light until the switch completes the circuit, love does not produce personal happiness unless the love is returned by another. God created us to receive his love, but I suspect that he receives little pleasure from loving us until we respond to his love by loving him in return. I love my wife, children and grandchildren dearly and I cherish our loving relationships. I can assure you that should they decide for some reason to withhold their love from me, although I might continue to love them, I certainly would not be happy. My heart would ache until the flow of love was restored. I would be miserable until it was restored—whether or not I was responsible for the broken relationship. The restoration of our relationship would be top priority.
Was the older son’s hatred for his brother somehow related to his unforgiveness of both his brother and his father? Perhaps it was brought about by the dividing of the inheritance, but I suspect that it had gone on much longer. In searching for reasons for the behavior of the primary participants in the parable, we must consider their behavior from a human standpoint and not carry the allegorical aspect farther than Jesus intended.
The “A” Syndrome. Keith Intrater has noted that in counseling people, he has noticed a certain pattern that he calls the “A” syndrome. For lack of parental Affection, our need for Approval turns to Achievement instead of Acceptance. He has observed that when parents demonstrate substantial affection in their relationship to children, the children generally do not need to overachieve to make up for feelings of insecurity. To the degree that the child was well loved when he or she was growing up, his or her motivation toward productive labor tends to be balanced and wholesome. The person can still be achievement oriented, but it will flow out of a source of ease and graciousness that does not put stress on relationships.
Both sons in the Prodigal family are alienated from their father, although their alienation manifests itself in different ways. Both are, in essence, mad at their father. The younger son shows his rejection of parental authority, respect, love, and relationship by demanding the share of the estate that he would eventually get when his father died. The older son, though also mad at his father, internalized his negative feelings for his father. He went about his work, he allowed his father to continue to run the business (although supposedly he had been given the two-thirds of the estate since he was the elder son) and yet, all the while, he was in turmoil inwardly. As long as younger brother was gone, older brother was able to keep a lid on the boiling pot. But when younger brother shows up unexpectedly and is received back into the family unconditionally—older brother’s pot boils over. His father’s response is to speak kindly to him and to entreat him to come inside and be reconciled to his younger brother.
Older brother has a choice. At this point, regardless of all that has transpired in the past, older brother has a choice. He stands at a fork in the road of life. He can choose the path that leads to reconciliation and restoration of relationship and let go of the myriad of emotions raging within—or he can choose the path that leads to destruction, not only of family relationships but also destruction of his physical, emotional, and spiritual health. But what if he wants to be reconciled to his brother and father, but just can’t bring himself to do it? Too much has happened. What if there is no love left—only disgust, anger, resentment, disappointment and a numbness that permeates to the very depths of his being?
I still maintain that older brother’s free will with which God created him still exists. Though he obviously has been traumatized by the circumstances of his life, he still has the freedom to choose how he wants to respond. When we know what is the wise choice that we should make in a particular situation but we are so weary and beaten down by the storms of life, there is still hope. That is when it is essential to look beyond ourselves, exercise our will and choose to invite Jesus to respond to the situation for us and through us. When we yield our negative attitudes and actions to him, he is then free to transform them and return to us the positive counterpart. Initially, at the time of the decision, we may or may not feel any different—but, if we are serious and really mean business, our attitudes and actions will change. Our response to unpleasant people and situations will change. We will feel the load lift and we will experience real freedom.
Jesus said, “Come unto me all who are weary from carrying heavy loads and I will give you rest. Become my follower and learn from me and you will experience rest in the depths of your being.” [My paraphrase] How did first century students learn from the rabbi with whom they were studying? They lived with him and observed everything he said and did. They went with him wherever he went and observed how he responded to every life situation, as well as to what he taught them orally. How do we learn from Jesus? We spend time in his presence—not only in studying his words as preserved in the scriptures, but also in sitting quietly in his presence, allowing him to minister to us in our mind, emotions, and body. Perhaps too often in our prayer time we make speeches to the Lord without realizing the necessity of taking time to listen as well. So many of us stay so busy “doing things for the Lord” that we fail to reserve time to spend quietly in his presence where we can be refreshed and renewed. As a result, too often we burn out and experience attacks of discouragement, disillusionment, and even despair. We are of little value to ourselves or to the work of God’s kingdom—and we are not very pleasant to be around.
Getting personal. What if we find ourselves in a strained or broken relationship? What if we are really mad at God? What if we feel we have done everything right—and others and God as well have let us down? We feel betrayed and bitter—and then we feel guilty for feeling the way we do. What can we do to turn our situation around?
The first step is to recognize that we need help. We need God’s help. We also need to realize that God does not stop reaching out to us in love just because we have thrown a temper tantrum, just as we don’t stop loving our children if our two-year-old should throw a temper tantrum. (There are consequences that both we and our children experience to our respective tantrums—the most significant of which is that we become unable to feel the love flowing out to us.) Because of the emotional or physical trauma involved in the circumstances, however, at this time when we need God’s help most, we often are the least able to pray. That is when we realize how important it is to be connected to our brothers and sisters in the Lord who can stand with us and intercede on our behalf. I’m glad God created us so that we need each other. He didn’t create us to be lone rangers—he created us to care for one another. But exactly to whom do you turn at a time like this? The family of God is pretty big.
Derees of Intimacy. Just as there are degrees of intimacy within our biological families, there are also degrees of intimacy within our spiritual families as well. Biologically, we have our immediate family and we have our extended family and, generally, we enjoy more intimacy with our immediate family. Likewise, we need to become part of a small, intimate group within our spiritual family as well as part of larger spiritual families of varying degrees. It is in the smaller, spiritual family that we can build trusting relationships to the point that we are willing to become vulnerable to the greatest degree without fear of betrayal. This type of relationship takes time to develop but it creates a protective, nurturing environment where wounded people can find trusted brothers and sisters that will pray with them and help them through any difficult situation.
We have experienced this type of spiritual intimacy with a small group of men and women meeting with us for prayer in our home. As a group, we seem to experience the presence of the Lord in a more powerful manner than when my wife, Lenore, and I are praying alone. This does not take the place of our own time alone with the Lord. Rather, it is a natural outgrowth of our personal time with the Lord. There is great comfort knowing that at any time, there are fellow believers who are spiritually harmonious, on whom you can call to join you in prayer for your own needs or the needs of others.
Much of what we have seen accomplished in these times of prayer is forgiveness and healing of relationships. Sadly, the emotions and relationships that required healing had grown immeasurably larger than necessary, had the issues only been addressed when the situation was first encountered. Because forgiveness had not been initiated quickly, unforgiveness provided a fertile environment in which a myriad of problems had grown, often threatening to destroy relationships. Often, during times of quiet before the Lord, emotions and situations that the individuals had thought that they had dealt with sufficiently in the past, would come rising to the surface of their consciousness where the problem could be personally yielded to the Lord and deeper healing could then take place.
Forgiving God. If we do feel that God has betrayed us, or has just overlooked us when he was choosing to heal, or whatever, then we should tell him exactly the way we feel—out loud. There are countless people walking around today who are living bitter, disillusioned, negative lives because they are mad at God but they are afraid to admit it. Go ahead and tell him! He is big enough to handle it! Neither from scripture nor from personal experience have I discovered that God penalizes anyone for being honest with him.
After truthfully acknowledging our real feelings, we can exercise our will in choosing to ask him to forgive us for those feelings, to take them from us, and to transform them so that we may see our relationship with him in the proper perspective. We may not feel like asking him to do that—but that is where our will comes in—we can choose to ask him even if we don’t feel like it. And then we can choose to forgive him. What? Choose to forgive God when we were wrong in blaming him in the first place? Precisely! When we go through the exercise of forgiving God for whatever perceived injustice, we are admitting that we blamed him and thereby we bring closure to the issue. Unless we choose to forgive God, we otherwise may be tempted to deny that we had the feelings in the first place. Once we acknowledge the feelings, it is important both to ask God’s forgiveness and to forgive him as well. Choosing to forgive releases the feelings, even though the feelings were invalid. Therefore, vertical application of the Third Key of Unconditional Forgiveness is valid as well as its horizontal application.
Endeavor to restore damaged or broken relationships quickly. “Let not the sun go down on your anger” was a scriptural principle that I learned from my parents and that I continue to practice in my personal relationships. I am a person who feels deeply and who express himself forcefully—sometimes too forcefully. My children are grown now and I am now a grandparent. But as a parent and as a husband, I have had to ask my children and my wife for forgiveness many times. Even when a child’s disobedience was involved, I sometimes failed to cope in a mature, loving manner. Most often, I became impatient and lost my temper with my son. Since broken relationship was not an option, we always endeavored to restore our relationship to harmony as soon as possible. After some minutes of cooling off, I usually was the one who would go to my son, and sit down with him, and ask him to forgive me for losing my temper. We would then pray together and agree to start our relationship anew with no grudges—our angry words were forgiven and forgotten—not to be mentioned again. Because of our deep love for each other, it was too uncomfortable for either of us to remain estranged for more than an hour or so.
On a certain occasion a woman in our prayer fellowship whom my wife, Lenore, and I have known for many years, lashed out hurtfully at another member during the meeting and, as a result, I directed a disciplinary letter to her. I felt the letter was justified and chose that means because I felt it indicated less importance than addressing the issue in person. Sometime later I learned that she had been deeply hurt and offended by the letter. She had not taken it in the way I had intended. I could have said, “The letter was justified; if she took it wrong, that’s her problem!” But since a broken relationship is not an option with us, upon learning of the woman’s hurt, Lenore and I went to her, not knowing if she would even let us into her house. When she came to the door, I said to her, “I am so sorry that I hurt you. I would never intentionally have done so. I wrote the letter because I didn’t think it was a really big deal, but I certainly misjudged the way you would respond to the letter. I realize now that if I thought it was necessary to say anything, I should have come to you personally rather than sending a letter.” With that she began sobbing and said, “You don’t know how much I wanted to hear that.” She then invited us in for coffee and we talked for two or three hours. When we left, the relationship had not only been restored, it was even stronger for having been given the reassurance that no matter what may happen in the future, broken relationship is not an option. We will take steps to do whatever is necessary to restore a broken or damaged relationship to harmony insofar as we are able.
Conclusion. Let me encourage you to remember to use the three keys with which the Lord has entrusted each of us that will open the door to the high road of personal happiness: Unconditional Love, Harmonious Relationship, and Unconditional Forgiveness. Regardless of your current situation, there really is hope. As my father-in-law, Dr. Bob Lindsey, used to say when someone would tell a particularly sad or pessimistic story, “Cheer up!” I can still see his smile as he would say, “Cheer up!” So I say to you, “Cheer up!” Determine today that you will yield that troubling situation or interpersonal relationship in your life to our Lord and allow him to transform it and return it to you as something beautiful. Ask him to forgive you, cleanse you, and fill you to overflowing with his Spirit. Ask him to enable you to allow his pure, unconditional love to flow through you back to him as well as out to those about you. Ask him to enable you to see others as he sees them and to feel for others what he feels for them. Ask that his perfect will might be accomplished in and through you—for his own honor and glory. Do this and you will be well on the way to experiencing true personal happiness.